Well. I've had this post on my heart for the past month. I've been putting it off for "when I had time to sit down and focus". Yeah. That hasn't happened in a long time. Better late than never, I suppose, right?
My sophomore year of high school, I was home-schooled. I loved it. It was a time of healing and growing in God. But this summer, God really spoke to me. I felt a nudge I really didn't want to respond to. But there it was. And again. And again. Public school. *gasp* From pre-school to 9th grade, I was enrolled in a small private school in a tiny town. Twelve years. 40 kids in the entire high school. Twelve in my class. I've been sheltered my entire life. Public school has been twisted into this evil movie-like picture in my mind. And now this is where God wants me to go? What? Crazy, I know. Both of my parents were transferred their junior years in high school. They swore they would never do that to their kids. God does have a funny sense of humor, ya know.
So that was about two months ago that that decision was made. About a month ago I registered at the high school our new neighborhood is zoned to. There were a few bumps in the road that I had to adjust to with that process, but God carried (and is still carrying) me through it.
Fast forward two weeks ago to this day. It's 6:30 AM. And I'm freaking out. I'm about to get into my car to drive myself to my first day of public school. I hug Daddy an extra time and get into Shiloh (my beloved Toyota Corolla) and turn up my "Jesus" playlist. I pray the whole 20 minutes there. God has given me the impression that this is my first step into the mission field, so I know I'm at this school for a reason, His Divine reason. So I'm praying He will reveal that to me. There it is. A giant Colosseum-looking high school. I pull into my assigned parking spot 464. I shut my car off and stare at the building. What am I doing here? What business do I have acting like I can just walk into a public school like any other kid? Breathe, Rebekah. God wants you here. You know that. All racing through my head as I walk down the huge hallways. Kind of panicking. Okay, really panicking.
At 2:30 that afternoon, a mass text went out to all of my friends and family that were praying for me -- I survived!
Honestly. Public schools get such a bad rap. Yes, the system is flawed, like every other system in the world. The people have been so nice and understanding and sweet. Most kids are welcoming and kind. The counselors are dolls. God really set up my path before me.
But at the end of that first day, I was disappointed. I really couldn't put my finger on it until I started talking to Daddy, and it all gushed out. I had this silly idea that because I was where God wanted me, everything was going to be perfect. Teachers would love me, I'd have 50 friends the first day, the work would be a breeze. Boy, how wrong I was. That feeling of not belonging linked right back to my days of depression. And having the feeling of depression again scared me right to tears. I promised myself I would never go back to that place. By Wednesday night, I was straight up craving church. My sweet friends and mentors. My worship time. My hilarious youth pastor. All so therapeutic and rejuvenating.
Two weeks of school have passed. I've been so overwhelmed. I've cried so many times. But after spending sweet time with my Jesus last night, I am again at peace. I awoke refreshed and willing and bold. Feeling like He's not with me is just that. A feeling. He is always with me, walking with me, guiding me. And I am forever grateful.
So, here's to new beginnings. I'd love to hear about yours as well. Thanks for letting me share mine.
Rebekah
